Life After Two Losses

Introducing Amellia Rose

2009-12-15T22:02:00.013-05:00

Arrival at the hospital on 12/11/09

Welcome Amellia Rose

My first time holding her

The proud daddy- Look at that Grin

Our first family picture

Pappy & Nana- my parents

Her first outfit

With her Daddy

Time to go home

Happy (sad) tears

This is to officially welcome our precious baby girl Amellia Rose into the world. I am sorry that it has taken me a couple days to get this post up, I know many of you have been waiting for it. Life is kinda hectic with a newborn around. But I love every minute of it, even the middle of the night feedings. So here is her birth story and some pictures. I will try to keep this updated with what is going on, but not sure how much I will be able to get on.

Friday December 11, we had to be at the hospital for induction at 6 am. We were immediately shown to our delivery room and got settled in. They checked me when I first arrived and was at almost 5 cm already, but she was posterior or facing up rather than down. By 7:30 am Pitocin was started. They checked me again at 9am and I was close to 6 but not a lot of change. Contractions were about every 3-5 minutes but not very intense. Dr. said they would be back in an hr or two to break my water which should get things moving. A little before 11:30 am, Tommy and I were just getting ready to try to get some rest thinking we would have several hours till anything happened. But that didn't happen. Dr came in and broke my water at 11:30 am. The very next contraction was awful, and before it was even over I said I want an epidural NOW!! The Dr was called. It took about 15 min for him to get there and get set up. Meanwhile each contraction was worse and worse and closer together. I was breathing through them but barely. Finally at 12:05 pm the epidural was turned on. He stayed for a few minutes wanting to make sure it would take effect. It took the edge off but I still could feel them on my left side. So he had me roll on my left side to help it start working over there as well. Just as it was seeming to be working a bit better, the Dr came in and wanted to check me again for any further progress. She immediately said YOUR 10 CM, SHE IS TURNED AND ITS TIME!! Tommy and I just looked at each other as they all started running around getting everything ready. He text my family in the waiting room. And told my mom to hurry up and get in there. The next contraction they had me start pushing. I did a series of 3 pushes for each contraction, 4x and she was out. Born at 12:41 pm. An hour and 11 minutes after they broke my water. 6 lbs 5 oz 19 1/2 inches long. A full head of dark black hair, and perfect in every way. She had to have a little oxygen and be warmed up for a bit but otherwise she was fine. Her apgars were 8 and 9 (out of 10). I didn't get to hold her for about 45 minutes which was hard, but at the same time it just felt like a dream and I was in shock I believe as well. We had our rainbow baby!! When she was first handed to me I cried. It was happy, relieved tears. At that moment I fell completely in love for the 2nd time in my life. I kept asking Tommy to pinch me b/c it had to be a dream. But it was real and she was in our arms. Safe and sound after a long 9 months of stress, worry and doubt at times. By 3:30 pm I was moved to a new room. Amellia was brought in all bathed and looking beautiful. I loved watching her daddy hold and cuddle her. He had the biggest grin on his face. I also loved seeing my parents, Pappy and Nana with her as well. I was in the hospital all day Saturday and then release Sunday late afternoon. As we were leaving the hospital my emotions once again got the best of me. I flashed back to the previous two times leaving the hospital with only a box in my lap. This time I left w/ a car seat with my precious little baby girl in it. They were tears of joy mixed with the emotions of our two losses.

I find my emotions and feelings are very much intertwined between this new baby and our two that didn't make it. In fact I see so much of Logan and some of Emma in Amellia. I am so sad they arent here as well, but so thankful that Amellia did make it. So for all you deadbabymama's out there don't give up even when it seems as though there is no hope. Find a Dr that will help you to find answers and who wont give up until you bring your precious rainbow home. I hope and pray that each one of you will get to have this feeling. It was a long, hard, sad road but the end is perfect in every way. I will always miss my Emma and Logan and Amellia cant replace them, but it certainly makes the grief just a bit easier.

TOMORROW IS D DAY!!!!

2009-12-10T18:13:00.002-05:00

Its here... finally after a long 258 days of being pregnant, stressing over every little thing, and over 420 self injections. WE ARE DOWN TO LESS THAN 12 HRS TILL I AM INDUCED!!! I had an amino this morning and after an NST to monitor for contractions and an exam, we were told her lungs are ready. The low number they are looking for is 47, her's came back 108!! Dr said that was great!! I am also 4 cm dilated. Only bad thing is she is posterior and needs to flip. So tomorrow when they start the Pitocin and get the contraction rolling hopefully she will flip on her own but if not they will do a c- section. I don't care either way.. just so she is here safe and sound.

Its completely surreal... its really going to happen this time. Our little girl will be here tomorrow. I will actually take this baby home. WOW!!! This is such a long time coming. And we are almost there.. EEEEHHH!!!

Oh and its our 4 year anniversary, and we got the best present we could ask for. Love you Tommy!!! XOXOXO

I want to say thank you for all of your support, love and encouragement. I hope I can return the favor in the future to each and everyone of you. Next post should be pictures of our little princess Amellia......

One Week ~ 36 wks tomorrow

2009-12-04T22:16:00.003-05:00

One week and Amellia could be in my arms. Its finally beginning to hit me. It really (might) happen this time. I am afraid to be certain, for obvious reasons. I had an additional NST/OB check today just because. Everything looked great. She is still very active, although the kicks/jabs and rolls are getting more painful. But I still love every minute of it :D So after looking at the schedule for my amino next week, they decided to move the amino back one day. So I will have the amino Thursday morning. It could take up to 3 hrs for the results. If her lungs are ready then they will admit me to the hospital that night and get me started on medicine to soften/ripen the cervix. Then first thing on Friday morning they will start Pitocin and get things rolling. So next week at this time I could have my little princess in my arms.... Just gotta make it less than a week and cross the next hurdle of whether her lungs will be ready. PLEASE LET THEM BE READY!!!! I don't think I can handle being told me have to wait another week. Let this last 6 days be enough and her lungs be developed and ready for the outside world. PRETTY PLEASE!!!

Two Weeks

2009-11-27T21:07:00.002-05:00

Two weeks till we meet our princess Amellia, as long as her lungs are ready. 35 weeks tomorrow! WOW!! I can hardly believe how close we are. So close, yet so far at the same time. Everyday I am just thankful that she is still moving and kicking. Every Dr appt I wait for another great NST and for my blood pressure to be good and so far that is exactly what has happened. I just wish I could relax this past 2 wks but its just not possible. Every morning I "hold my breath" until I feel her first kicks and movements. And then say a quick prayer of thanks when she does. I am going to stay w/ a family member that lives less than 10 min away from my Dr's office this coming Tues and will stay w/ her until this little one arrives. (Currently I am 1 hr and 20 minutes away.) I am happy that I will be closer to the Dr, "just in case" I get a bad feeling and I also will have 2 appts the next 2 wks. again just for my peace of mind. Peace of mind- I just wish I could let myself relax and enjoy my last 2 wks prego w/ this precious baby girl. I am looking forward to being away from home although I will miss my hubby and "kids" our dog Maggie and cats Charlie and Oliver. However it will be nice to not be worrying about things around the house and just put my feet up and read a book or watch a movie. So 2 wks and I will be "holding my breath" the whole way. Please let this baby girl come home and be healthy!!!

32 1/2 weeks.. 30 days to go :D

2009-11-11T10:45:00.003-05:00

Today marks 30 days till we meet this little princess... WOW!! Hard to believe. We had an awesome report at the Dr yesterday. Amellia is almost 5 lbs which means she gained almost 2 lbs in the last month. So her growth is great!! And she has lots of hair on the ultrasound :) She also scored a 10 on her NST according to the nurse. The Dr is very happy with everything and truly feels as though the shots are the key this time around. So one month to go...

My nerves are up and down. Every morning I still hold my breath till I start to feel her move and get her kick counts. My mind plays tricks on me.. are you sure you felt her move in the middle of the night or did I imagine that?!? Its defiantly still a daily struggle with my emotions. I am grateful that she is very active and if I notice even the slightest change I will be at the Dr's getting checked. Please help me stay sane for the next 30 days...

On another note they switched me to the Heparin. It defiantly isn't as user friendly as the Lovenox but I am getting the hang of it. It doesnt come in a pre -filled syringe and the needle isn't as smooth and easy to use but hey whatever it takes. Oh and the medicine burns a lot more but again no complaints here.

So 30 days till we meet our Amellia Rose and we cant wait!! :D

LET THE COUNTDOWN BEGIN...

2009-11-05T11:49:00.003-05:00

So I had another fantastic appointment on Tuesday. Amelia passed her NST with flying colors so to speak. The Dr couldn't have enough good to say. I was on for about 25 minutes and they are looking for 3-4 nice accelerations in her heart rate followed by back to a baseline. She had 10 in that amount of time. I said that doesn't surprise me because she is very active which I am so thankful/happy for. We have another NST this coming Tuesday as well as an ultrasound to see how much she has grown in 4 wks. So excited to see my little princess again :D OH AND THE BEST NEWS....

I am scheduled for an amino Friday December 11 and if her lungs come back developed they will induce the same day!!! YAY!! So the countdown has begun... 36 days till we meet our baby girl!!

I am so happy and excited but still scared. So just taking it one day at a time..

Here's me during the NST on Tuesday. My mom (Nana) is documenting everything :D

31 wks

2009-10-30T19:10:00.006-04:00

31 weeks tomorrow :D Wow.. that means in 6 weeks or less our baby girl will be in our arms. I am feeling really good and different about this pregnancy, I cant explain it exactly. I guess I really am starting to feel like the shots are working and that things will be different this time. BUT then my mind starts to wonder and I realize that 6 wks is still an eternity when you have had 2 losses. It doesn't help that we lost Emma at 31 wks. That thought defiantly keeps creeping in, but then I remind myself that Amelia is already a good pound or more than her sister at this point gestationally. I also try to focus on the fact that Amelia is very active and even has the hiccups at this very moment. I keep reminding myself things are different this time. But I am still scared. Thank goodness for weekly appointments and my wonderful awesome team of 4 high risk Dr's that calm my fears constantly. I have to continue to have faith and believe that we will bring this rainbow home. So I will keep moving forward, getting her room ready and counting down the days till we meet her and at the same time be grateful for every moment I get with her.

Here are a few pregnancy shots my mom took of me last week. Its something I meant to do with the other two and never did, so I am making sure we take lots this time. Enjoy :D

29 1/2 Weeks... 8 or less to go

2009-10-20T17:22:00.006-04:00

I will be 29.5 wks tomorrow. So happy for that. We had an ultrasound one week ago and once again confirmed defiantly a girl and she was 3 lbs 2 oz. Which is great :D The dr was very happy w/ her size and everything else. Such a relief. We were in the room that has the 3D capability so we got a few shots of her as well. She was head down and "snuggled up w/ my placenta" as the tech said so we couldn't get a great straight on shot but the ones we did she had the cutest, most perfect little bird lips and adorable nose. Of course I'm her mommy so that's my opinion. We even could see in some of the shots that her eyes were open. Very cool, never saw that w/ the other two. Next Tues the 27th I will start weekly NST's and appts. And then 2 wks after that another ultrasound to check her growth yet again. I also have become very obsessive about tracking her busy time of the day and doing my kick counts. A good friend of mine gave me a Kicktrak that stores the last 10 days and how long it took to feel 10 kicks, movements etc. She is consistently active when I first wake up around 8-8:30 and most of the morning. She seems to sleep more in the afternoon and then is more active again after dinner. My Dr's tell me that if I notice the slightest change in these or seems to take longer to feel her 10 movements to call and come to the hospital to be checked. They also told me that kick counts are more important diagnostically than even having a Doppler to check her heart rate at home. This is due to the fact that a babies heart rate can vary so much anywhere from 110-180. So even if that number seems low it might not mean a problem. But seeing a change in her movement is an indication that there maybe a problem. Most mornings she is cooperative and I get my kicks/movements fairly quickly but some mornings she is a bit slow and for a few moments I begin to worry and wonder if we will be making a trip to the hospital but then she will "wake up" as to say I'm ok mom. I cant believe that she will be in my arms in less than 8 wks. Some days that seems like an eternity still but it really is right around the corner. The next few weeks will be hard due to the fact that we lost Emma at 31 wks. But overall I really do have a good feeling this time. Every time I get a great report at the Dr's. I think wow we really will make it this time. Don't get me wrong I still have the occasional doubt and worry.. but trying to focus on the positive and stay optimistic.

On that note of being positive, my mom and I finally packed up all the boy stuff that was in the nursery and started organizing and getting ready for this little princess. It went a lot better emotionally than I thought it would. We still have more to do in there but had to put it on hold b/c my brother in law is coming for a visit and will stay in there. My mom and I also started a quilt for Amelia. I cant wait till it is done and she is here :D

I am finally starting to get excited and am hopeful for a great outcome this time!!

Here are a couple pictures from my ultrasound and one of the quilt laid out in squares...

25 1/2 wks... 12 or less to go!!

2009-09-23T17:15:00.004-04:00

I am happy to say I am 25 1/2 wks as of today!! We had a really good report at the Dr's last week. For one we are definitely having another little girl :D and secondly Amelia was 1 lb 13 oz. Which they said is in the 57th percentile so they were happy all around. I was thrilled to hear she was that size b/c Emma at 31 wks was only 2 lbs. 3 oz. So seems as though the shots are doing there job. My appointments have been moved to every 2 wks. Mostly for my own sanity. Amelia is starting to be very active certain times of the day mostly morning (when I want to sleep in) but I am so happy and grateful for every kick and movement. We have less than 12 weeks to go until we can meet our little girl.. I know that doesn't seem like that long but some days it feels like an eternity. But once again just taking things a week at a time and every time we get a good report from the Drs. I feel a bit better as well. I even managed to buy her a bathrobe and a little outfit w/ cherries on it. And I am thinking that next week it is time to pack up all the boy stuff and re access what we have. WHEW.... I feel really good this time BUT there is always that lingering doubt in the back of my mind. DH has started to talk about Amelia and all the things he is looking forward to doing with her. I want to go there but am afraid. But just for today I will be happy to be this far :D

Two Years...

2009-09-01T18:28:00.006-04:00

WOW.. can it really be 2 years since all of this craziness began that has now become my "normal"?!? Two years ago I awoke with a bad feeling.. Emma was always one to not let me sleep in because she was hungry but this morning I awoke at 10am. I laid in bed poking my belly waiting for her to respond with a kick. NOTHING.. I don't remember how long I waited but I called the hospital (b/c it was a Saturday) and started crying just trying to get the words out to the nurse. She said just come on over and we will check everything out, its probably nothing. I also remembering sitting in the office downstairs getting registered. I was 31 wks so I wasn't yet registered for when I would give birth. I answered all these questions and just hoped in the back of my mind that everything would be ok. They got me upstairs and down for monitoring right away. And then it started... The nurse had trouble finding Emma's heartbeat, several nurses tried but to no avail. After the first 10 minutes they tried to get ahold of my OB but he was out of town, so the on call Dr was called instead. After 30 minutes of them trying I just new that something was terribly wrong. My fears were confirmed when the on call Dr, Dr. M did an ultrasound and had to tell me there was no heartbeat. I am so sorry! I lost it, broke down in tears... how could everything go so wrong so quickly. I had a perfect pregnancy with no problems and then BOOM she was gone. The rest of the day was a blur, I was induced and at 7:22 pm our firstborn, our perfect 2 lb 3 oz baby girl Emma LaRue was born. We said hello and goodbye at the same time on that awful day 2 years ago today.

Two years, 2 pregnancies, 2 losses and now expecting our 3rd child, holding my breath that this time is the "charm" and this little girl comes home. But no matter how much confidence I have in my Drs and their "plan" this time there is always the fear and dread of being in this same place yet again. I want to get excited and buy cute little girl outfits, and get her room all ready BUT I am frozen with fear.. I cant go through having to pack up all that stuff once again!! I am trying to just focus on the fact that I am still pregnant and she is almost viable. One week at a time...

Emma my love you will always be my firstborn. I will never forget all the "firsts" I experienced while pregnant with you. I am so thankful to have loved and carried you for the 31 wks I did. I will always miss you!

Not much to say

2009-08-13T16:55:00.003-04:00

I really dont have much to say. I am happy to be in my 19th week. Feeling good, emotions are up and down. Still loving my doppler which is just the reassurance I need right now. Baby girl is making her presence know more and more but I still havent been able to feel a kick on the outside, nor has her daddy. But she has given me a couple good pops here and there.

Another reason I dont have a lot to say is a very dear online deadbabymama that is pregnant with me (about 2 wks ahead) found out her little girl has Trisomy 13. Its not good news and I just cant stop thinking about her, her family and her precious little girl. She has had lightening strike twice now. I want to be there for her in anyway possible but at the sametime I remember the hurt of seeing others have what you want so badly. Its a catch 22 and so I have been quiet. So (((HUGS))) my dear friend!! I am just so sorry, there truly are no words JUST TEARS!!!

I leave you with a belly shot from 18.5 wks.....

Bittersweet Day

2009-08-04T20:46:00.005-04:00

Today has been a bittersweet day. At this time last year I was in full blown labor with Logan. But as we all know it wasn't an excited, joyous labor but rather just a get through this knowing that at the end once again we would say hello and goodbye to him at the same time. I really do believe that labor is harder and takes longer when the baby has passed. Logan was born at 9:18pm one year ago. WOW.. hard to believe its been a year... I remember so much of that day vividly as if it just happened yesterday. I went in for my weekly appointment and my OB couldn't find the heartbeat. I could tell he was worried and I was starting to cry when he put me in a wheelchair and wheeled me next door to the local hospital for an ultrasound. He said he could just be laying the wrong way, don't give up yet. They got me down right away and immediately the tech said I'm so sorry but there is no heartbeat. I broke into sobs, I really thought I would only hear those words once.. almost a year before when we lost Emma. But once again there were those awful words. They admitted me and took me up to a birthing room, the one I had been in just 4 days previous for Logan's non stress test and stress test. But this time there was no hearing the beautiful heartbeat... Logan Thomas Kellar born "sleeping" at 9:18 pm, 5 lbs 8 oz, 19 inches, perfect in every single way.. if he would have only taken a breath.

Today was filled with some new memories for August 4th. We had an ultrasound and the tech is pretty sure we are having a girl. A baby sister... Everything was great and perfect on the ultrasound. The tech just kept saying everything is wonderful, no problems, she is growing a bit ahead, placenta looked healthy and smooth. It was such a relief. I needed that so very badly especially today. The ultrasound was probably 25-30 minutes and she showed us every little thing about our little girl. Then we met with a new Dr and he too continued to reassure us and was very happy with all the results. He said its a victory for today and I said baby steps and he completely agreed. One week at a time...

So today I remember my precious Logan and the wonderful 9 months I had with him. I will miss and love him always!! But we also move forward with this current pregnancy and the hope that Emma/Logan's baby sister ~ Amelia Rose will come home!!

Profile shot of our little girl

A 3D shot of Amelia Rose

1 year

2009-08-03T16:38:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow is Logan's 1 year anniversary. Hard to believe that last year at this time I was having my last moments with my precious baby boy. I miss him very much but I feel that I am better handling his one year than I did Emma's. Although a big part of that could be the fact that I was also grieving the loss of Logan at the same time and everything was compounded. Or perhaps this new LO in my belly is helping me find some peace as well. Either way though I have had my rough moments over the last month/week and I know I will probably have a moment or two tomorrow as well. I really cant believe that its been a year since we said hello and goodbye to our little boy. MOMMY LOVES YOU SO VERY MUCH!!!

Memories from Last Year At This Time

2009-07-28T09:43:00.007-04:00

In the past few weeks I have been remembering my times with Logan. I have decided to by date record some of those memories.

Saturday, July 12- Friends/family had thrown a coed baby shower for us. We had so much fun and I remember that night and the next day just looking through all the gifts and getting so excited to meet our little man.

Friday, July 25- My work threw me a surprise baby shower. I had no idea and was so stunned I started to cry. They were all so generous and many of them went together and purchased my glider and ottoman I had wanted so badly. All the gifts barely fit into my car. After work that I day I headed down to Pittsburgh for a weekend with Tommy's aunt and a baby shower for a friend that was prego with her rainbow baby boy as well.

Saturday, July 26- Chrissy's baby shower. She had a difficult pregnancy and went on bed rest early on. She was just past 34 wks and had been released from bed rest and was able to attend her shower. Our other friend Michelle was also prego w/ her rainbow baby boy Vinny. We were all due about 1-1.5 wks apart. And our other good friend was at the shower with her little rainbow miracle Lilly who was 2 months old. We all couldn't get enough of here. I remember holding Lilly and Logan kicking and going crazy at first but then they both settled down and feel asleep. What an amazing feeling- a baby inside and holding a baby as well.

A picture of all us girls. We were all so happy and excited!!

After the shower I went back to Tommy's aunts and we decided to go see Mamma Mia at the theater. I really enjoyed the movie and all the music. Logan was "dancing" and moving to the music as well. I just sat w/ my hand on my belly feeling his every move and just felt so happy and content. That's one of my best memories while prego with him.

Monday, July 28- I went for my weekly OB check w/ Dr. M. My BP had spiked a bit and he decided to have me work only 1/2 days at work and then as long as I went home and rested I could finish my day at home. It made me a little nervous but I trusted him and knew we were so close. I also was scheduled for my first NST that Thursday. Work was so cooperative and just wanted me and Logan to be ok. (Looking back a year later, I should have taken that as the first warning sign that something wasn't right- my BP spiked the week before we lost Emma as well. Turns out with both of them I was probably developing preeclampsia and didn't even know it.)

Thursday, July 31-I had my NST at 2pm. I didn't really know what to expect since I had never made it this far with Emma. They hooked up the heart monitor for Logan and then monitored if I was having any contractions as well. About an hr passed and the nurses brought me ice chips and OJ, Logan wasn't moving as much as they would have liked but I could ALWAYS hear his heartbeat loud and clear. Another hour and half and he still wasn't responding they way they wanted. My OB was at the hospital getting ready to do a c-sec and came in and said if it was any other patient he would just send them home but b/c of my history and my nerves he said he was willing to do a Stress Test (give me Pitocin to start some contractions and see how Logan's heart rate responded) if there was the slightest drop- he would do an emergency c-sec that night. They hooked up the Pitocin and it took awhile for anything to happen. It also turned out the it was Tommy's 38 b-day that day, and the whole time we were pregnant he would say how neat it would be if Logan and him shared a b-day. As I lay there waiting and listening to Logan's heartbeat I just couldn't imagine him coming that night. I didn't feel prepared, I still had his bag to finish packing and the nursery wasn't organized. I think I was more focused on that then the fact that I was 37 wks, he was full term and I could have had him that night. He would be here in my arms right now. Why did I worry about being ready? That's not what mattered. Finally after 5-6 contractions the nurse said he did ok and that Dr. M said to stop the Pitocin and I could go home. Why didn't I just say NO.. I want to have the c-sec or just continue the Pitocin? He most likely would have been perfectly fine and healthy. But instead I let them stop the Pitocin, and discharge me and I went home. Little did I know I would never hear my little boys heartbeat again....

Ok I'm rather drained I'll write the rest of this another day...

My Life-Saver

2009-07-22T21:34:00.004-04:00

This little device is such lifesaver for me right now. Anytime I get the slightest panic or a full on "freak out" I just lay down, find the baby's heartbeat and marvel at the sound. It is truly the best sound in the world right now!! Thank you my dear Liesel for allowing me to borrow this wonderful Doppler!! Its giving me some peace of mind and calm when not much else is. So there's that. Still taking it one day at a time!!

On another note a fellow deadbaby mama had her daughter by emergency c-sec on Sunday @ 29 wks. She noticed a decrease in kicks (as she was regularly doing her kick counts) and went to the hospital.. this is what saved her precious little girl. Kick counts are SO IMPORTANT!! She is holding her own for now but she has a long road. Keep them in your thoughts!!

And its my parents 30th anniversary today!! Happy Anniversary Dad & Mom...way to go!!

16 weeks ~ 4 months

2009-07-19T18:53:00.004-04:00

Well I have made it 4 months by the end of this week. In 2 weeks at my next OB check and ultrasound I will be 1/2 thru this pregnancy (b/c they will most likely take this little one by c-sec/ or induce me @ 37 wks). WOW!! That's a good feeling. I am still nervous but just for today I am trying to enjoy what is happening. Speaking of that, a wonderful friend of mine, love ya Liesel sent me her Doppler to use while prego. I have been able to find the heartbeat 2x so far. I am trying not to go overboard with using it all the time. But last night I just marveled at my baby's good strong heartbeat in the mid 150's. I must say that is the BEST SOUND IN THE WORLD!! I recorded it on my phone so I can just play it back every once in awhile. Then as I was falling asleep I felt my first definite "flutters". As if this LO was saying I'm in here and I'm ok mom. I do love those first flutters and cant wait till I get some good kicks and Tommy can feel it as well!!

My emotions are up and down so I went to a chiropractor/nutritionist that deals with emotions and I do feel better after seeing him. I wish I could go to him every couple of weeks but since he is almost 2 hrs away that's a little hard. But I will go as often as I can. Its amazing how things in your past can effect your thoughts now and you don't even realize it. I really do feel "lighter" after seeing him... at least till the next major freak out. LOL

On another note I am quickly approaching the 1 yr mark for my precious baby boy Logan. Its hard to believe that last year at this time I was 8.5 months pregnant and getting all ready for him. Its sad but at the same time I feel a certain peace about it as well. I miss him terribly as well as his big sister and I will always have pieces of me missing. But I also know that letting go a bit is good for me and this new LO. In fact the ultrasound where we will hopefully find out boy/girl is on August 4th (Logan 1 yr). I scheduled that without even realizing but again I think its a good thing. A moving forward and yet remembering as well. I love you Emma/Logan and miss you both very much!!!

Meet Baby #3- Appt Update

2009-06-29T19:41:00.004-04:00

Meet Baby # 3 @ 12 wks and 3 days. He/she is measuring bigger and about a week ahead. That is big news b/c Emma/Logan both were very small for their gestational age. Which the Dr felt was b/c of my placenta not being as healthy from day one and then combine the clotting issue and well its not good. So measuring a bit bigger for me was exciting. Also all of my testing for downs/ trimsomy and other chromosome problems came back negative. More good news. And I am also happy to say I am in my 2nd trimester. So 1 down and 2 to go. I can do this just focus on one day at a time and BREATHE!!

The shots are already just a "part of my day". The needle doesn't hurt for the most part but the medicine does burn and in some areas more than others. If this works it will be worth every single prick and burn... My mom keeps saying this baby better appreciate what you have done for it one day. I just hope I get the chance to tell him/her how much they meant to me and that I would have done ANYTHING for them. I will have another ultrasound on Aug 4th and if baby is cooperating we should find out the sex at that point. I don't care either way, but I want to know. Also I know its early but I am feeling little flutters randomly from this little one as well. I cant wait till I definitely know he/she is in there w/ a good kick or punch but for now just enjoying the flutters and tickles...

Most days I feel really good and optimistic about this pregnancy and this baby.. But those bad memories and what ifs still linger on other days. I'm already so in love w/ this little one, it amazes me the attachment you feel especially once you see them on an ultrasound and they look like a baby rather than a bean. And its amazing to think that you get to have the privilege and joy to carry him/her. I just hope my body and me can keep this little one safe until they are safe in my arms...

12 WEEKS ~ YAY!!!

2009-06-20T11:40:00.004-04:00

I am 12 weeks today. Next week I will start my second trimester. YAY!!! One almost down and 2 to go. I can do this. BABY STEPS... One day at a time.

I have another ultrasound of Tuesday. I'm excited to see how much this little one has changed in the past month. From a little kidney bean to looking more like a little person. I'll try to post after my appt but I am going to be out of town for a couple days so might not be until the end of the week.

MIA AGAIN... CATCHING UP

2009-06-16T11:51:00.004-04:00

WOW.. I knew I hadn't posted in awhile but didn't realize that it had been over 2 months. Guess I def have some catching up to do. I was rereading my last post at the beginning of April and how at the end I said I hoped that month was our month. Well it turns out it was. I know many of you already know but yes we are pregnant and due January 2010 although more than likely we will have our little one in December sometime. April was a happy and stressful month all at the same time. On the 24th I was unexpectedly laid off from work with no promise of a return. I was scheduled for AF the next day or two. I remember thinking on one hand I hope we aren't pregnant b/c that brings up so many issues with not working, need insurance etc. But on the other hand I kept thinking that if we aren't we would be waiting to TTC once again for who knows how long and that was really hard to deal with.

I waited till Sunday to test, I thought I saw a faint line but then talked myself out of it. Tuesday rolled around and still no AF, so I took another test and this time there was a definite second line. I pulled out the first test and the pink line was definitely darker on the 2nd test. I was excited and scared at the same time. I knew DH and myself would be stressing about not only the pregnancy but insurance and everything else. We both were mostly just in shock at first and holding our breath to see if this one would "stick" so to speak. I saw my regular OB and he scheduled an ultrasound to check for viability and a heartbeat. I had that on May 22, at 7 wks 6 days. Our bean was on there moving around and more importantly a good strong heartbeat. I was so relieved. After the ultrasound we started to tell family and some friends. Then on June 9th I finally met with the high risk Dr's (I had a consult w/ them back in Oct.) They had me start on injections of Lovenox 2x a day right away. I was also very happy and impressed b/c before I could even ask "What the plan this time?" he lined it out, especially the big weeks and what type of testing and so forth we will have this time. I told him emotionally I cant make it to 40 wks and he said the furthest he would ever let me go is 39, I said that's still too much, how about 36/37 wks. He said earliest he would like to do anything is 37. Do an amino to check the lungs and then be induced or c-sec. At this point I am thinking c-sec just b/c it takes more things out of the equation for problems such as when in labor. But I also feel very confident in the 3 Dr's I will see and that they will do what is best for me and our baby. I am still so scared but for now I will take it a day at a time and rely on the Dr's.

So I knew that I was going to have to do these self injections 2x a day during this pregnancy and was really nervous b/c I HATE NEEDLES!! The first one I shook, cried and think I even closed my eyes when I put the needle in. LOL But I did it and 6 days later its getting easier and easier. Its just a part of my day now. 8am & 8pm- numb w/ ice, inject and more ice b/c the medicine BURNS... I know it is for a good reason and that makes it easier too. I am 11wks and 3 days today. I will have an ultrasound in 1 week to check for chromosome abnormalities ect. Cant wait to see out little one again...

When I found out we were expecting again I debated on whether I should start a separate blog but I ultimately have decided that I will continue to post on this one about this rainbow baby as well. Emma, Logan and this LO are all intertwined and one wouldn't exist without the other so to speak. So this blog will be a place to share all my feelings whether it be this new LO, or my babies that aren't with me...

8X8 All about Me!

2009-06-16T10:48:00.005-04:00

I've been tagged by Mrsmuelly @ The Chronicles of Incompetent Cervix

I did this on Tuesday the 16th but forgot to post. Silly me... Enjoy...

THE RULES:
Mention who tagged you.
Complete the list of 8's.
Tag 8 other people.

8 THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO:
~Having an ultrasound in one week
~Moving into my 2nd trimester
~Having a bit more energy... I am so TIRED
~Finding out if this little one is a boy or girl

~Feeling the first flutters and kicks from this little one

~December and meeting this little one and bringing him/her home

~As much as I love being pregnant, when this one is over.. and baby is safe in our arms

~Seeing Tommy with this little one.....

8 THINGS I DID YESTERDAY:
~Slept in till 11- life of being on unemployment

~Had lunch w/ my neighbors (she is 10 wks further than me) Burgers, fries and strawberries...

~Gave myself my shots- 2x

~Watched TV

~Read

~Talked to my mom on the phone

~Took a nap... I know I had a rough day

~Helped Tommy water all our flowers and his garden, everything is beautiful!!

8 THINGS I WISH I COULD DO:
~Have Emma/Logan here with me now.. Man would I have my hands full

~Go on a vacation- beach, sun, warm

~Have enough money to fix our house.. kitchen, bathroom, new carpet...

~Know that at the end of this pregnancy that I WILL bring home this rainbow baby!!

~Figure out if I need to work or can stay home the rest of this pregnancy

~Travel with my hubby

~Go to sleep and wake up with our baby in my arms...skip the worry and anxiety filled months to come.

~Not worry and stress about the outcome of this pregnancy...

8 SHOWS I WATCH:
Grey's Anatomy
Desperate Housewives
The Bachelorette

Scrubs

Private Practice

The Next Food Network Star

Wipeout- With Tommy for a good laugh

Rachel Ray...

8 FAVORITE FOODS:
~Tacos

~Fresh fruit in season- strawberries/blueberries/blackberries/grapes/pineapple/watermelon

~Cookies- chocolate chip or craizen oatmeal

~Tomato soup and grilled cheese

~Banana

~Twice baked potatoes

~Sunchips

~Pickles

Ok so now I'm hungry...

8 PLACES I'VE TRAVELLED:
Japan

Mexico

Jamaica

Grand Cayman

South Dakota

Florida

North Carolina

Oklahoma

8 PLACES I'D LIKE TO TRAVEL:
Australia
Italy
Greece
New Zealand
Morocco
Spain
England

Hawaii

8 PEOPLE I'VE TAGGED:

Toni at Toni Conrad

Jamie at Chicks in Our Nest

Monica at Knocked Up, Knocked Down

Jodi at Life is Now

Chelsea at The Drews

Elizabeth at The Paynes

Jenell at Our Rainbow After the Storm

Shannon at In Loving Memory of Tristan

Your turn! Tell me all about it :-)

DREAM...

2009-04-02T17:42:00.001-04:00

I had a very vivid dream last night, so much so that when I first awoke I had to figure out if it was real or not. I don’t remember all the specifics but I do now that I had a baby boy in it and it wasn’t Logan. I couldn’t see any distinct facial features but I knew he was mine. And at some point in the dream someone asked what he weighed and I said 4 lbs 1 oz. I cant remember specifically but I’m pretty sure he was early and defiantly a preemie at that size. I know my mom was in the dream and I think my grandma too. I don’t remember too much else but I know I was happy. Then I awoke and realized it was all a dream and it just set the tone for the rest of the day to be a tough one. I cried in the shower and several times at work as well. Yesterday was 19 months since Emma was born sleeping and Saturday will be 8 months without Logan. Once again I thought that by now I would be prego again and although each anniversary would be hard that somehow it would be easier to cope knowing there was a new life growing inside me. But that’s just a dream right now too. I feel like a broken record… I wanna be pregnant, I wanna be a mom to a living, breathing baby, I don’t want to be sad ALL THE TIME, I want to feel “normal” again. I JUST WANT WHAT SEEMS TO COME SO EASY TO EVERYONE ELSE!! A BABY!!

On a different note, I am going to see a different Dr next week. He is a chiropractor but also deals with emotional/nutritional things as well. My cousin who had a late miscarriage @ 19 wks a year or so ago, went to him b/c she was having a really hard time dealing with everything. He really helped her and she feels that he will be able to do the same for me. I REALLY hope she is right, b/c I need to find a way to deal with this better than I am now, and I WONT go back on an antidepressant. Not that I have a problem with them, but for me they just don’t do the trick. So anyway… I really hope this Dr. K can do something/anything for me. A little over a week and I’ll know one way or another. I keep trying to tell myself that the longer I wait to get prego the better it will be. My body will be more prepared. But I think it’s had long enough… time to get this show on the road. Time for a BFP and OUR rainbow!!! PLEASE LET APRIL BE OUR MONTH!!

Multiple Personalities

2009-03-20T07:10:00.001-04:00

I feel like I have multiple personalities lately. Not in the “crazy” way, but just in the sense that I have to put on this particular “face” that everything is ok, fine and dandy. I put on this “face” every morning when I leave the house and for anyone that see’s me that is who/what they see. I am kind, friendly even jovial at times. But deep down the other person (the deadbabymamma me) is hurting and all she wants to do it crawl back in bed, pull the covers over my head and wake up when I have my rainbow in my arms kicking/screaming. I miss the old me- the me that was a pretty happy, all around nice person. I used to smile by choice and generally enjoyed life. But anymore it just seems as though EVERYTHING is a reminder of what I don’t have. I remember after both losses the acute pain I would have even just going to the grocery store. Seeing all the families, moms, pregnant ladies etc, I would rush around and try to get out of there as quickly as possible. Well I seem to be back to that anxious, overwhelming feeling once again. All I can see is what I am missing- the 18.5 month old, Emma and the 7.5 month old, Logan. Wow- I would certainly have my hands full. Instead I can run around and do whatever I please b/c there is no one else there to worry about. SIGH… In my mind at this point I thought for sure I would be prego again. Scared/nervous but baking another little one. But no, that isn’t the case either. Instead I plaster on a smile and pretend I am “OK”. But as soon as I am alone in my office, or the bathroom or even in bed at night, watch out b/c out comes the other me along with tears. I really do believe that I have cried more tears in the past 1.5 years of my life than in my almost 27 yrs of life. Buckets and buckets full… I feel as though I am always right on the edge of completely losing it. I just heard a fellow deadbabymamma had a perfect beautiful baby boy last week and I am so happy for her. She deserves all the happiness in the world. And for just a second it give me hope that maybe one day I will be one of the “it can happen” stories. I just hope that I can weather my multiple personalities until then.

In A Funk...

2009-03-14T21:23:00.003-04:00

I keep going MIA… for one thing I have been insanely busy and another just haven’t known what to say or write. Many bloggers write everyday about what they are doing. For me blogging is an escape and putting things into writing that I just can’t seem to find the words for, or is just too painful to discuss. So anyway, I am back. Since I last wrote, I pasted 18 months without my Emma and 7 without Logan. Hard to believe… it feel so fresh and new recently again. I don’t cry all the time like I did at first but I just feel completely surrounded by this sadness and I just can’t overcome or lessen the pain. March 5th- marked the beginning of this horrendous journey that is still going on. March 5, 2007 is when I found out I was pregnant with our baby girl. I remember how excited we both were. 2 years I have been on this road. 2 yrs, 2 pregnancies into the 3rd trimester and still no baby in my arms. WOW… Perhaps that has to something to do with why I feel so blue and sad all the time. Sure I can put on a good face when I need to but deep down I am barely holding it together. When we lost Logan, Tommy and I had discussed waiting nine months to a year before TTC again. As time passed though I knew I couldn’t wait that long, when I saw Dr. T in October, it had been 3 months and he told me I needed to wait at least 3 more. He recommended 6-12 months. Ok I can handle that I told myself. So January rolled around and we unofficially ttc. I tested 3 days early and there it was a BFP. Just as we were starting to get excited, I started to bleed and when I tested again, it was BFN. What happened? After talking to my OB, he said it was a chemical pregnancy or very early miscarriage, they are fairly common but most women don’t know about them b/c they don’t test early. Sure I had to be the impatient, anxious one. So anyway we took off one month and are hopefully back on for this month. The part that is so hard is, at some point in my head I told myself I would have a baby in my arms and at home in the year 2009. I wouldn’t have to go a whole year without getting my rainbow. Originally that gave us 3 months of ttc before we would be into 2010. Well SUDDENLY it’s the “last chance” so to speak. If it doesn’t happen this month, I WONT HAVE MY RAINBOW IN 2009! Sure that doesn’t sound so bad but for me it seems like the end of the world. I feel selfish even saying that b/c I know there are so many out there that have been ttc for years or even those that cant conceive and here I am complaining but for me that’s how I feel. I always worry about how I will make others feel and I truly hope that doesn’t upset anyone. But we all have our own “things” to deal with. And that is mine. So here’s hoping that I get pregnant and more importantly that this lo STICKS. Baby steps… one day at a time.

On another note, my BIL came and visited and stayed with us last week. It was very nice to see him. It was a busy week but nice. He was the first one to stay in the nursery since it has been finished. Before he came my mom and I straightened up and made more room. Then Tommy ran cable up to the room so he could watch TV. It was REALLY hard to be in that room. Everything is ready… the clothes are still hanging in the closet and others in the dresser. There are toys, and a crib and stroller etc. We put a sheet over it to make it looked more organized. After my mom left I cried so hard… for what could’ve been.

Just need a ray of hope and sunshine in all the gloominess…

This Stinks....

2009-02-05T22:36:00.002-05:00

I'll keep this short and sweet. Not pregnant after all. Not sure if it was a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage but whatever it was, it wasnt a little one and not pregnant. Really bummed and sad and well nothing else to say. I am sorry that I got everyone all excited. Sorry!

Gonna hang out in the "pit" for a day or so...

News...

2009-02-03T06:33:00.006-05:00

Well I am back. I have been really busy and just not a lot to say. But a lot has happened in the past 6 weeks. First, long story short I had been out of touch with most of my family for 5+ years (my fault) but that has all changed and we have been making up for lost time over the past few weeks. It has been wonderful and it was as if we just picked up where we left off. No awkwardness, just kindness and love. I am loving every minute! My mom and I cant spend enough time together. Our first weekend together we stayed up until 4:30 am just talking. That same weekend we went and visited w/ all my uncles, aunts, cousins, and “nieces & nephews”. I cant believe how they have changed and grown up. They were so sweet. The youngest, Noah was only 2 when everything happened and didn’t remember me, but he gave me a big hug and called me Aunt Mandy. Brought tears to my eyes. The 2 girls Molly & Emily were 8 & 7 when I left, so they of course remembered me, they were so happy and excited to see me. It was quite the “family reunion” so to speak. Here’s a few pictures.

The next big news I just learned as of yesterday. WE ARE PREGNANT! YEP, I GOT A BFP YESTERDAY! It was our first month officially trying and I wasn’t going to test until Wed. but had an extra test and thought lets just see. 3 minutes later, there was the one word PREGNANT. I was flabbergasted, shocked and started to cry. Tears of joy/happiness mixed with fear. I was trying to figure out how to tell Tommy in a cute way, so I had bought him a new pair of jeans the day before and he hadn’t seen them yet, so I put the pregnancy text in the pocket sticking out and told him I hoped he like the jeans and to pull them out of the bag and have a look. At first he didn’t see the test, and then he just looked and said “No way. Your pregnant”. He is very happy but scared and anxious as well. Then today I put the test in a box and wrapped in up and gave it to my mom and dad and said it was just a little something from Tommy and me for everything they have done for us. My dad didn’t know what it was at first and my mom thought for a minute, a purple marker, what? Then they both realized and got very excited. We are all very happy but you can definably tell we are somewhat reserved due to the anxiety as well. There are a couple of pics below. My mom will probably scold me b/c she say she looks terrible, but she just isn’t feeling well. I had to “capture the moment”.

Part of me wants to “shout it from the rooftop” and the other part keeps saying it so early and things could go wrong… for the moment though I am just going to try and enjoy. Pretty sure I am still in shock and it hasn’t sunk in. I called Dr. T (high risk OB) and I have an appt. with him on Wednesday Feb 25 for a viability scan and consultation and also a script to start the Lovenox. So till then we will just wait and see and KFC that there is no bleeding or spotting between now and then. Baby steps… one at a time.

As a side not if I didn’t call or text you personally please don’t be hurt, I was just so worried about hurting others who may be ttc or waiting. I don’t know which way is better but please know I thought about your feelings a lot and truly hope that I cause no pain. I love you all and I am going to need each and everyone of you to “hold my hand” and try and keep me sane. Here’s hoping for a boring, uneventful 9 months and a beautiful healthy, breathing baby that comes home at the end…

Rainbows

2008-12-26T01:33:00.003-05:00

I added a picture and a quote from a fellow deadbabymama about what a rainbow baby means. I think the picture and her explanation go together. I don't know when I will get my rainbow, but I wont give up until I do. And when the time does come it will be as if the little life growing inside of me is the rainbow amidst the storm that is my life. So I am going to try my best and see the positive and good rather than focusing on the storm that is swilling around me everyday. So may there be a little bit of light in a dark, stormy world for each one of us.

One Year Ago...

2008-12-25T11:45:00.002-05:00

I have been in a funk lately. On the 23rd last year I took a HPT and found out we were expecting again. I had been in such a bad place and it was our first month of trying after our Emma passed in September. Even before I took the test I told myself, its only the first month, don't get your hopes up. I had already told myself it would be negative, I prepared myself for the disappointment. But there it was in BIG pink letters "PREGNANT"! I was shocked! Tommy was away for the night so I couldn't tell anyone. I did call one friend but swore her to secrecy until I told Tommy the next day. Its funny how with just the one small test and that word I suddenly felt hope again. We were pregnant and we would bring our rainbow home. A baby brother or sister for Emma. The next day as soon as Tommy was home I told him. He was so happy and excited as well. We both realized it was still very early and a lot could go wrong but we couldn't resist calling family and friends. We needed all the support and help we could get over the next 9 months. I was so scared something would go wrong, but I truly deep in my gut thought it wont happen again, lightening doesn't strike twice. HA. Boy was I wrong.

I told Tommy the other night I cant believe it is almost 2009. But that I am quite happy to see 2008 go. Its once again been a year of unbelievable joy and sadness all mixed into one. I remember saying something very similar last year at this time as I said farewell to 2007. The last 2 years have brought more love, joy, sadness, anger, disappointment, excitement, grief... then some people experience in a lifetime. It wasn't all bad because I will always cherish every moment that I spent prego with Emma and Logan right up to the point that I said hello and goodbye in the same breath.

Here's hoping that 2009 is better and that FINALLY we will bring home our RAINBOW BABY!

Baby 18- REALLY??

2008-12-20T21:45:00.007-05:00

The Duggars welcomed there 18th child this past Thursday. Really?? Number 18. Why does she get to have 18 perfect healthy children and I cant even have one? Is it too much to ask? I like to watch a lot of TLC shows but I cant watch anything on that channel because they keep having a commercial for the hour special they are having this Monday all about the birth of their new little one. So I'll just avoid that channel for now.

On another note I started working out and going to the gym this week. I went 4 days, I figure that is pretty good for my first week. Hopefully I'll keep it up. I have really been enjoying it and for the most part feeling good. I did get a bit sore this past week but that was after I went 3 days in row. I think I might have just pushed it a little too soon. I have been trying to do between 30 & 40 minutes walking on the treadmill and then follow with some sit ups, leg lifts and stretches. Tommy and I try and go together on the days we can. Its nice to have the support of each other. Hopefully we both will get in better shape.

I am having a tough time lately. Sure I can put on a great face and get through the day but as soon as I have a moment when its just me, the tears start to fall and I find it hard to stop them. I miss my babies so very much! I am surrounded by little ones that remind me of what I should have. I mentioned going back to meetings, well there are 5 babies. 4 of them (3 boys and 1 girl) were born within days and weeks of Logan. The 5th one a little boy was born in October. It is so hard to see all of them with there parents and grandparents. There is a pain in my heart, my arms ache and I yearn to have that feeling. I ache to hold my little ones. I feel like the only thing that will help is getting pregnant again. But then in the next breath I worry that I am rushing and not facing all my emotions. But I need to know that I (we) are moving forward. And for me that is having a baby. I know it will be a long 9 months, a terrifying 9 months but I will do anything to get there and bring our rainbow baby home. I want to see Tommy's eyes light up when he holds his son/daughter for the first time. I want to see my dad and mom and Tommy's dad and mom hold there grand baby. When will it be our turn? I certainly hope it is sooner than later!

Emma/Logan- Mommy misses you so very much! Each day there is a new ache/yearn that I have with you being gone. Emma- I still remember the first time I felt you move. About a week later your Daddy got to feel you for the first time too. That was the most amazing feeling I had ever experienced. I made a mixed CD of classical music for you. I know you loved that CD b/c you would move and kick when I would play it. I loved reading to you before I would go to sleep. Charlotte's Web- my favorite book when I was young. I love that time together. I cherish every moment of the 31 weeks I carried you. Love you baby girl, you will always be my firstborn!

Logan- my little pumpkin. You were always such an active little guy. I can remember how you would kick my desk when I was at work. I would always wait till I felt you kick or move 3x at night before going to sleep and also in the morning before getting out of bed. It was always such a reassurance. The week before you passed I went to see Mamma Mia. I rubbed my belly as you jumped and danced to the music. I was so happy that weekend. Aunt Eva bought me the soundtrack to the movie and gave it to me the day of your memorial service. I finally listened to that CD this week. It brought back all the memories, good and bad. I miss you so so much!! And always will!! But I will never forget the almost 38 weeks that we had together. Love you!

Three Year Wedding Anniversary

2008-12-14T20:45:00.008-05:00

I just thought I would post and catch you up on my last week or so. I have been crazy, busy with work lately. I really enjoy my job but lately it has been SO SO stressful. Just a lot going on and we just acquistioned another company so all kinds of things going on. Anyway, that along with all the usual stress (dealing with the loss of both my precious babies, going back to meetings, my own emotional inadequacies etc) its just been more than I can take the last week or so. On a happy note Tommy and I celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary this past Wednesday the 10th. We went out for a really nice dinner and then came home and watched a movie- The Incredible Hulk. It was a really nice night together. I told him at one point that the last three years marriage wise have been wonderful. I just hope that the rest of it gets better over the next 3+ years and beyond. We both deserve to be parents and get our beautiful rainbow baby! It was bittersweet in many ways. I so want to see Tommy with his lo. I know he will be a wonderful daddy. I want to see the joy on his face when he is handed our little girl or boy. I know its not my fault our babies didn't make it, but I cant help but feel responsible. I was supposed to protect and keep them safe. What happens if I can never give him what he deserves? SIGH... For as long as I can remember I have wanted ONE thing- TO BE A MOM! I love babies, children. I started babysitting when I was 11 yrs old. I have taken care of others lo's for so long. Twice I have been so close to having that dream come true. And yet it was once again torn from my arms so to speak. And now I find myself back at square one, waiting to TTC, waiting for the BfP and then waiting nine long months, always on edge just hoping that 3rd time is the charm and I bring home my rainbow baby. I certainly would have NEVER guessed this is where I would be at 26 yrs of age. So much has happened over the past 2 yrs. I am defiantly not the person I used to be. I am forever changed and I feel for the better. I always thought of myself as a compassionate, caring person but I like to think that since my losses I have become even more so. I also like to think that when the time does come I will be a better mother. Appreciating every moment and never taking anything for granted. This is not the path I would ever choose but its the one I have been put on and I will figure out how to navigate it, the good and the bad together. I love my babies, Emma & Logan and I always will. I will never feel complete and will always have 2 pieces of my heart missing. But its a constant journey to deal with this and to "move on" in the hopes of one day having Emma & Logan's baby brother/sister and finally becoming the mom I want to be.

Please Understand

2008-12-13T20:54:00.002-05:00

I just need to say something and this seems the best way to do it. In a post a few wks ago I mentioned being raised as a JW (Jehovah's Witness) and that I have decided to go back. Over the past few years I had been involved with the Holidays b/c it was just easier than explaining that I didnt do that and yet wasnt involved in any other way. But this year and going forward I wont be celebrating Christmas or the other Holidays. I dont want anyone to think I am being rude or forgetting them by not sending cards. I will always think of all of you and your beautiful children. I know that many of you have already sent cards and I appreciate the thought. So thank you for thinking of me and my babies. I hope that I dont upset anyone.

I Finally Did It

2008-12-01T20:24:00.003-05:00

Back on August 17th, I vented about random things and I also made a list of things that I was dreading. Well I have overcome another hurdle from that list. Here is a small excerpt of the original post
"List of things I am dreading...

I am dreading packing up the nursery once again. Except this time it was ready. Last time I had one box of clothes and other stuff for Emma. This time I will have boxes, boxes and more of clothes, books, blankets, towels, toys, bottles, lotions and all the other baby stuff. This time I had washed several loads of clothes etc and put them in his dresser, already for him to wear. Sigh..."

But Saturday I finally did just that. And it was awful and hard but it is done. I had forgotten just how much we had for our little Logan. When Logan passed we kind of just "tossed" all the stuff in the nursery and shut the door. But I cleaned, organized, sorted etc on Saturday. I went through all the books we received at the baby shower. (I put on the invitation how I wanted everyone to help start out Logan's library in the hopes that he would have an avid love of reading when he got older.) So I went through them all and even organized them on the bookshelf. Then I went through all the clothes. What I could fit I put in the dresser, the rest on hangers in the closet. I couldn't bear to box them up again. I did take all the bedding off the crib and put everything in a place. Collapsed the stroller, and overall found a place for everything. Then I went through the 2 boxes that we left the hospital with. One for Emma and one for Logan. They contained pictures, there footprints and hand prints, their ID bracelets as well as mine and Tommy, there birth and death certificates, etc. Last year I had bought this beautiful large round hat box for Emma's things and on Saturday I finally put both of there things in that box. I also went through all the cards and letter that were sent to us after both of them passing. I reread them and then stacked them and wrapped them in a pretty bow. I cried through all of this. It's so hard to think that is all that is left of them so to speak. That both of their "lives" can be stored in a box. SIGH... It was a rough day but I did it. I overcame another hurdle.

Later that night I received a text message from my mom. She had finished the curtains that were to go in the nursery. See two days before we lost Logan, I went and purchased the fabric to make curtains for his room. They were out of the gingham that I wanted so they special ordered it. When everything happened, I asked my mom to go pick it up b/c we both know the one lady that works there and I knew she would let my mom pick it up. I was terrified that I would get in there and break down and not even be able to talk. So she picked it up and then offered to make them for me. I gladly accepted. So anyway, they were done. I brought them home the next day and showed Tommy. We have to get new curtain rods so we cant hang them yet. But there we were standing in a room that is ready. We have everything we could need. We just need the baby... I fought back tears and am again now.

I have dreamt about babies every night for the past few weeks. Some I remember vividly, others just a piece but I know that there is a baby in each one. Sometimes it seems as though the baby is mine, other times its another little one I have been around. I want to think that it is my body telling me maybe I am pregnant. But I am afraid; if I am not I'll be disappointed and upset but on the other hand I think how can I be ready. My emotions are so confusing right now. I am trying to focus on the many who have gone on to have their rainbow baby/babies and I truly do believe that I will too. At least most of the time I do.

Ok, well I better get some sleep. Night...

PS- I am posting a picture of the bedding and theme we have in the nursery and eventually when we do set it all up again (when the next one is here safe and sound) I will post pictures of the room all done.

The Pit- Dark, Cold, & Lonely

2008-11-24T00:07:00.003-05:00

I am in "The Pit". If you are a deadbabymama unfortunately you know exactly what I am talking about. For those of you that don't I have included the poem that explains "The Pit". To be honest I had been feeling really good. I went off all of my prescriptions and have been instead working with a nutritionist. Overall I am feeling much better, I was even able to sleep the past week without taking anything and even woke up and wasn't groggy or tired. Until today...until tonight. I have been crying on and off most of the day. I guess I was feeling a bit too good, so now the crash into "The Pit". It also didn't help I was cleaning out the purse I was using when I lost Logan. The reason it didn't help is that there were all sorts of reminders of my last few days with my baby boy. I found the discharge papers for the NST I had just 4 days before his passing, the baby shower invite and chocolate I had received at a fellow deadbabymamas rainbow baby shower, and all of Logan's ultrasound pictures from early on right up to the last one at 31 wks. I would say I was on the edge of "The Pit" and that just gave me that last push, down at the bottom I find myself. Its almost 12:30am and I am wide awake, cant sleep, cant turn my mind off. So I am here getting it all out, then hopefully I'll be able to get some sleep. I guess its a good thing I am only working tomorrow and then vacay for the rest of the week. I think I am going to attempt to organize the nursery while I am off. I say attempt b/c it really hasn't been touched since the days leading up to my loss. Everything that was in any other part of the house has been tossed in there and well its kinda of a disarray. I keep putting it off, put feel like it's time.

Lately I cant help but think about last year at this time. I would say emotionally I was just as bad off, maybe worse or maybe a little better depends on the day. See my OB had told us we should wait until Feb. to try again. But as November came around I was in a very bad place and decided to get a second opinion. Right around this time is when another OB told us that physically my body would be fine for another pregnancy and that only Tommy and I could decide when we were ready to try for another baby. December was our first month trying, actually our first and last. On Dec. 23 I took a home pregnancy test thinking there was no way it would be positive it was only our first month and I kept telling myself not to get upset. But there was that word "PREGNANT". I was ecstatic. Hard to believe its a year later and I am once AGAIN in the same shoes I was back then. Another push into "The Pit". Its dark, cold and lonely in "The Pit". I keep seeing all the proud parents showing off pictures of their rainbow babies. So many are going out and getting pictures taken of their little ones and their happy little family. Don't get me wrong I am happy for them but it stings every time I see them. My heart is broken and there is no mending. Sure in time I will once again figure out how to live as a deadbabymama and move forward but once again it will take TIME. Time is a funny thing, as adults we always say that time flies, as children time seemed so slow when we were in school and then flew over summer break. Time sees to stand still when we are eagerly awaiting something. Just hurry up and get here. For me time varies. One day it feels as though it was only yesterday that I held Emma and Logan in my arms. Other days it feel like an eternity. Right now February seems so far, far away. Time...a second, a minute, an hour, a day, a month, a year. No matter what way I look at it right now I only see the darkness of "The Pit". It will take time for me to find my way out again. SIGH...

~The Pit~

The day my child died, I fell into the pit of grief. My friends watched me struggle through daily life, waiting for the person I once was to arise from the pit, not realizing "she" is gone forever.

The pit is full of darkness, heartache and despair, it paralyzes your thoughts, movements and ability to ration. The pit leaves you forever changed, unable to surface the person you once were.

Some of my pre-grief friends gather around the top of the pit, waiting for the old me to appear before their eyes, not understanding what's taking me so long to emerge. After all, in their eyes, I've been in the pit for quite sometime. Yet in my eyes, it seems as if I fell in only yesterday.

Not all of my pre-grief friends are gathered around the top of the pit. Some are helping me with the climb out of the darkness. They climb side by side with me from time to time, but mostly they climb ahead of me, waiting patiently at each plateau. Even with these friends I sometimes wonder if they are also waiting for the pre-grief me to magically appear before their eyes.

Then there are the casual acquaintances, you know the ones who say, "Hi, how are you?" when they really don't care or really want to know. These are the people who sigh in relief, that it is my child who died and not theirs. You know...the "better them, than me" attitude.

My post-grief friends (and a rare pre-grief friend) are the ones who climb with me, side by side, inch by inch, out of the pit with me. They are able to reassure me when I need reassurance, rest when I need resting, and encourage me to move forward when I don't have the strength. They have no expectations, no memories and no recollection of how I "should" be. They want me to get better, to smile more often and find joy in life, but they also accepted the person I've become. The "person" who is emerging from the pit.

Author Unknown

~My Shoes~

I am wearing a pair of shoes

They are ugly shoes

uncomfortable shoes

I hate my shoes

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I

do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them

I get funny looks wearing these shoes

They are looks of sympathy

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad

they are my shoes and not theirs

They never talk about my shoes

To learn how awful my shoes are

might make them uncomfortable

To truly understand these shoes

you must walk in them

But once you put them on, you can never take them off

I realize that I am not the only one

who wears these shoes

There are many pairs in the world

Some woman are like me and ache

daily as they walk in them

Some have learned how to walk in them

so that they don't hurt quite so much

Some have worn the shoes so long

that days will go before they think

about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman

These shoes have given me strength

to face anything

They have made me who I am

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

- Author Unknown -

Thanks for reading and listening. Going to try and get some sleep. Night...

Getting Back to My Roots

2008-11-22T21:01:00.004-05:00

Its time I talk about a few things. I have a lot going on and I want to share. I have hesitated because of the reactions but this blog is mine and I want to be able to share anything. I was raised as a Jehovah's witness. But right before I turned 21, I decided to leave and move in with Tommy. I needed a break I guess. Because of the way in which I left my family including my parents stopped talking to me. Over the next few years I kept telling myself I didn't need them, or the things that I was raised with but it was always there in the back of my mind. When we lost Emma, so many of my family came to support us and it was nice to have them back but slowly as time passed I still didn't feel the need to go back. I still believed what I was raised with but again stayed away. My relationship with my parents and family eventually went back to the way it was. But the day that I found myself back in the same situation with knowing I was going to have to go through the pain of labor only to hold my stillborn son I didn't hesitate to call them to be there with us. They were there as quick as could be. And continued to be there for us. Each time I was with them they would encourage me come back to my roots, so to speak. I knew it was time but I kept putting it off. See it wasn't as simple as going back and everyone would greet me with open arms. Because of what I had done by leaving I have to prove myself and show how sorry I am for the mistakes I made. I know this may seem strange to many of you. But anyway with all the emotional things I was already going through I didn't think I could handle that as well. But one Sunday I just decided enough stalling it was time to go back. I wanted my babies to be proud of their mom. (See I had told myself that when Emma/Logan were born then I would go back b/c I wanted them to learn as well.) But when I lost Logan I realized that I still would want them to be proud of me and that I had no more excuses. It was time. So Sunday morning I got dressed and went. It was terrifying to walk back in there. Oh and I forgot to add that there are 3 babies (3 boys and 1 girl) that were born with days and weeks of Logan. So there was that too. But I managed to overcome all the fears and anxiety and went. When the first song started I began to cry. It felt so right. I had missed that feeling of purpose that it had given me. That was Sept 21 and I have continued to go. Sometimes it is very difficult, such as when a new baby boy came for the first time. Again it was a reminder of what should be. And the 4 little ones are now 3 months old. And there are times the sadness gets the best of me and I break down. But I know that it is helping me so much and its something else to focus on. It is still hard and things are still not back to normal but I am being patient and it is helping me to become a better person. And I know that when I do become pregnant again, it will help give me the peace of mind that I need when I get stressed out. It will help me be a better wife, mom and person in general. It has meant a lot of changes for Tommy and I as well, but I couldn't ask for a better and more supportive hubby. We definitely have different religious beliefs but he is completely supportive of me returning and even at times when I am frustrated and he doesn't understand all of it, he still gives me a hug and tells me it'll get better. How did I get such a great guy? I love him with everything! Ok well that is the update and this is one of the reasons I have been MIA. So thanks for reading and I'm glad I shared all of that.

Results...Frustration... Moving Forward

2008-11-07T22:06:00.004-05:00

So the results are back... All normal, all negative. WHAT? I should be happy that I'm ok and don't have a clotting disorder. But here I am back at the "beginning", no answers and still in the dark as to why I have had not one but two stillborns. When the nurse called me I said Really? And she says that's good news, right. I said yeah I guess but frustrated and back at same place I was. I just wanted a reason, something to explain why they both were lost. But it wasn't to be. I got off the phone and the tears came. I guess we may never know exactly what happened. After work I went to my parents and just my dad was home. We sat and talked for a bit. It was nice to see him. I text my mom and told her the results and how I was very frustrated. She called me right away and calmed me down and made me feel a bit better. We talked about how Dr. T said that no matter what my results we would treat as if I have a clotting problem as a precaution. Then she said something really interesting. Her and my dad have been doing all sorts of research and even went so far as to check into complications from birth control. They came across a mention of it possibly at time causing thromophilia or clotting problems. She isn't saying that is what happened. But she has a really interesting theory. What if I did react or have a problem with something in my birth control that I was on before we got pregnant with Emma. And maybe it did cause a clotting issue but as time passes it gets better and maybe that is why I carried Emma to 31 wks, then Logan to 37 wks. and maybe next time it'll be ok. I realize that I will probably never know for sure but maybe I'll find some research or someone will read this and say something they know about it. Who knows? In reality we will probably never know exactly and I may have to live with what happened and not knowing the rest of my life. SIGH... Just another thing...

On a different note a fellow deadbabymamma lost again. She was pregnant with twin baby girls and due to an incompetent cervix she lost them. I feel so bad for Jenelle and Rob. I know all too well what they are facing. Her blog felt as though the words were written by me. I just really hope that we both get our rainbow babies one day along with all my other mamma's that have loved and lost. (((HUGS))) to all of you!

Special "Gift"

2008-10-28T22:24:00.006-04:00

I found an amazing blog with a special "gift" for mommies and daddies who have lost their little ones, thanks to Monica .

The blog/site is here: "To Write Their Names in the Sand" . And they do just that. So thank you for my special "gift".

Emma LaRue

Born "sleeping" on September 1, 2007 at 31 weeks

Logan Thomas

Born "sleeping" on August 4th 2008 at 37 weeks

Daddy & Mommy miss and love you both so very much! XOXOXO

Special Thank you to Carly & Sam (from Australia),
for remembering our little ones.

Emma LaRue and Logan Thomas

2008-10-25T12:23:00.006-04:00

I have my hope back. I met an amazing high risk Dr. who was FINALLY able to give us answers. Dr. T comes in and immediately he says wow you have been through so much, I am so sorry. Oh by the way my mom was with me. We were both impressed that he acknowledged that first thing. He then went on to take about my pregnancy with Emma and right away he says your daughter did not pass b/c of a "true knot". Knots alone are not fatal to babies. WHAT??? For over a year I have believed that a "knot" took my precious Emma from us. He went on to explain that it was also a placental problem. He explained the cord like a fire hose and that even if the hose get a knot, water can still get through. Same is true with Emma. What did cause the problem is I had a bad placenta with multiple infarcts and micro clots. My placenta was unhealthy from day one. He also believes that had I gone any further with Emma I would have developed preeclampsia. He explained there are 4 major obstetric disasters that can happen. I have 3 out of the 4 that have happened to me. He also explained that Emma birth weight of 2lbs, 3 oz was about a month behind where she should have been. All of these point to placental problems. And the same goes for my pregnancy with Logan. Ok so what do we do?

First Dr. T is 80% positive that I DO have a clotting problem its just a lot more complicated than the basic ones I was tested for already. The clotting problem that he believes i have is not tested by most Dr's. It is something new and b/c they are a high risk associates hey deal with it all the time. The Latin term he used is "thromophilia" which means clotting lover. So basically with this problem all the odds were against me with both pregnancies. So then I ask the obvious question.

CAN I GET PREGNANT AGAIN? YES. What will we do next time so that we have a healthy, LIVING baby? First step is more blood work to confirm what he believes. And regardless of what comes back next time I will have to do shots of Lovenox 2x per day in the belly. He also feels that I have MTHFR- which means that I need additional folic acid possibly for the rest of my life, not while just pregnant. I will be monitored constantly. And if they feel there is the slightest problem, they will give me the shots to develop the babies lungs and take him/her by c-section asap. He has every confidence that we will get our baby. He even had agreed to work with my current local OB, so that I have someone close as well.

So then I asked what his recommendation is for when we can try again. He said he had a below the chin answer and an above the chin answer. The above the chin, my body is ready in 3 months. But with everything else we have gone through he recommends 6-12 months. I was ok with hearing that, b/c well 3 months would be next week and I don't feel that I am ready. So waiting is ok, at least for today. Tomorrow I might feel different but that is the road of being a deadbabymomma.

So Tommy and I talked last night and I asked him to give serious consideration to trying at the end of February, beginning of March. If we get pregnant right away again, that would put our due date November/December 2009. He said he will give it a lot of thought. He also asked that I try to get myself back into shape while we wait. At first I took his comment as hurtful, even though I know he didn't mean it that way. But I have had sometime to think and I know he is right. So its time to focus on me and taking care of myself so that i can be in better shape for when we do get pregnant again.

So I have a glimmer of hope. And that is a good thing. I want to say thank you to so many of my fellow deadbabymommas who had suggestions as far as seeing a specialist and so forth. If I wouldn't have found Dr. T, there is a good chance we would have dealt with the pain of loss once again. So thank you.

Newest Member of the Family

2008-09-22T21:53:00.004-04:00

Welcome to the family- Oliver!

Here's the story. Last Tuesday Tommy was outside with Maggie (our black lab) and something ran past his leg and made him jump. And there was an orange and white kitten. He let Tommy pick him and was very friendly. He brought him in to show me and I didn't think too much. We gave him some food on the back porch and figured he would be gone by morning. It was too cute though cause Tommy took a box out and put a blanket in it, just in case he stayed around. We didn't give it much more thought and went to bed. The next morning as soon as I woke up I thought about him. I went down and opened the back door and right away I could hear him crying. He came running out from under my car and was purring and so friendly. I fed him some more and then on my way to work was going to take him to our Humane society. Well it turns out they only take stray cats 2 days of month and the next time wasn't until October. I couldn't just let him loose b/c we live on main street in our town and I couldn't bear to see him get hurt or killed. So I called my mom and asked if he could stay with them till we found the owner. She was more than happy to help out. On the way to my mom's he crawled in my lap and went to sleep. Well I was hooked. And as soon as Tommy told me it was a little boy, well there was just something about him. So I took him to their gardening shed till I could do something else. I called and left a message on our local radio station but I never got a call. So Friday I called and got a vet appointment for today. I become even more attached as the days went on and well he is now the newest member of our family. I was so nervous for him to meet Charlie (our gray cat) but it turned out much better than I hoped. I named him Oliver b/c I thought it was cute with Charlie. Charlie is still a little weary but they touched noses and smelled each other, so that's a big step. LOL. I don't know why he came into our life but he is here to stay and I look forward to getting to know him and for him to fit in. Something about a baby animal cant help but put a smile on your face. Just for today I'll smile and maybe even laugh a bit. Thank you, Oliver. Don't know if you needed us more or the other way around but I'm glad you've come.

Six Weeks

2008-09-15T21:48:00.002-04:00

Its been six weeks since I said hello/goodbye to my baby boy, Logan. How very different the last six weeks should have gone. I should have been at home with my baby boy. Sleepless night, breastfeeding, dirty diapers, cute clothes, singing lullabies, cuddling Logan, taking naps with him, taking walks, sharing him with others and everything else that new moms get to do. The good the bad I would take every minute of it. I would give anything for that to be my life right now. I would be enjoying my last week of maternity leave before returning to work. Sigh... Not to be. Rather today I woke up and was immediately reminded my arms are empty, my heart broken. I showered, got ready and went to my OB for my 6 wk appt. I asked him if a few things like if my water leaking and me not knowing, my BP spiking a week before the loss, if anything of these things correlated or showed a similarity. I am clinging to just about anything. Just please give me something to go on. He said that none of those were related and there was an explanation for all of that. GRRR!! I'm so frustrated. I have decided to schedule with high risk Dr's. I am scheduled to see them on October 24. I hope they have some test to try or some explanation or more importantly something I can do next time to increase my odds. I NEED ANSWERS!!!

All day I kept replaying what happened on August 4th. Every night when I close my eyes I picture the room, the day, the events that led me here once again. Then I fall asleep while crying into my pillow.

I went to see my therapist tonight and I told her that I am pretty sure I am in shock and that the full impact has not yet hit. If I am right and its this bad right now, how much worse will it get? I dread to think of whats to come. Its going to be a long road... and I see no hope, no light at the end. Just a long, long road...

How Are You? What's wrong?

2008-09-06T19:38:00.004-04:00

These are the questions I keep getting asked. How do I answer these questions? Do they want the honest answer or for me just to say I'm ok. Last night Tommy was one of the ones asking if I was ok, what was wrong while we were hanging out with friends. I'm not happy and I cant pretend to have fun or be happy. Everything hurts. My heart is broken again. And this time I have no idea how to heal it. All I want to do is sleep, because then I dont have to reminded of how terrible my life is right now. Dont have to remember that I have lost 2 babies. I dont have to look at the nursery that was all ready and waiting and will continue to be empty till who knows when. I dont have to see my friends children who constantly remind me of what I dont have. I'm NOT HAPPY! I am sad, mad, basically numb. I feel as though the world is moving around me but I am stuck in the same place. Same feelings and thoughts I had last year at this time. One year ago today is when we put our baby girl to rest with her great Grandma. And know again all I have our memories, pictures and an urn of my babies. I was pregnant for a total of 17 months. 510 days, 12,240 hours. It may not seem like a long time but when you are as stressed as I was the second time around. The time I sat rubbing my belly, talking to Logan, telling him I would keep him safe. Everything would be ok. Mommy loves you baby boy. When you figure all that in it feels like an eternity. All those sleepless nights, having to pee 3-4x a night, what I wouldnt give to have back that time. My heart is broke...

My mom had been making Logan a quilt and when everything happened she still finished it and she gave it to me the other day. She is also going to make one for Emma. Logan's is beautiful I am including pictures. It just makes me sad that he'll never get to see it or lay on it. Instead I'll just use it and wish for better times. Better times...

Logan's Quilt made by my Mom

The back of the quilt with her signature

So on another note. All my blood testing came back for the clotting disorder that my OB thought I might have. Maybe the reason that my placenta gave out on Logan. So it turns out I dont have a clotting disorder, everything came back fine. So now what? We are back at square one. Logan's autopsy came back fine, he was perfect inside and out. And although my placenta seemed to have scarring we cant explain why. We dont know why it gave out and so far it doesnt sound like we will ever know. So next time is going to be just as scary even more so. Its going to be another scary 9 months. I'm going to be on edge everyday. It'll be amazing if I dont have a nervous breakdown. I am thinking about going to a specialist maybe there is something new that my OB doesnt know about. Something, anything. I NEED ANSWERS!! I am so frustrated, so mad, sad. I am numb. I dont even want to move the bassinet, or my hospital suitcase or the basket of clothes I was getting ready to wash, or unpack the diaper bag. If I move any of those things it'll be real, it'll be over. And I am not ready for that. Its been a month but at this point I feel like I'll never be ready. I am so tired of being sad, of crying. But once again this is my life. And I have to figure out how to live it from day to day.

Emma's 1 year

2008-09-01T10:08:00.004-04:00

My own personal hell started one year ago today. It was Saturday Sept 1st and I woke up about 10 am. I immediately had a bad feeling b/c Emma usually wouldn't let me sleep in cause she was hungry. I laid in bed trying to see if I felt her move. But nothing. I called the hospital in tears, they told me to come in and they would check me out, but that everything was probably fine. The nurses tried to find her heartbeat for almost in hour. I remember they kept hearing something but then they would realize it was just my heartbeat. After awhile I could see in there eyes that it was bad news but they couldn't tell me that. The dr on call finally got there around 12pm and he immediately did a sonogram. It was only a few seconds and he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said I'm so sorry, there is no heartbeat. I lost it, he hugged me and wouldn't let go. When I finally let go, I asked now what. He said you'll have to give birth and we'll induce. At 1pm they started the induction. The rest of the day is kinda blurry, family and friends were in and out. About 6pm my contraction were every minute. Finally a nurse came and checked me at 6:45 and said her heads there and it was time. My dr came right at 7pm. After pushing for just a bit, Emma LaRue was born "sleeping" at 7:22pm. She was perfect 2 lbs, 3 oz, 15 inches. She had gotten a knot in her cord and it proved fatal. I was 31 wks at the time.

Its now September 1, 2008, and Emma's one year of course would be hard but I would have here baby brother Logan here to lessen the pain. But no once again I didn't bring home my baby. Instead I left with a box of mementos. So now not only am I mourning my daughter who would be 1, but also her baby brother who should be here in my arms. All I want is a baby, to be a mom! Yes I know I am a mom, but well lets be honest most days I don't feel like one. I look around at everyone else with there strollers and little ones running around and don't understand why I cant have that too. I mean I'm a good person and I would be a wonderful mom. WHY??? What if I never get to have a baby? I have certainly learned there are no guarantees, lightening does strike the same person twice. Sigh... But for just today I'll just focus on the time I had with my baby girl. A wonderful 31 weeks, I loved every minute of it. I'll never forgot the first time I felt her kick. I knew from day one it was a girl. A mom just knows! No one could tell me different. And I was right, on June 28, 2007 my intuitions were confirmed, it was girl. Tommy and I were so excited. We couldn't wait to meet our baby girl. And we did just not the way we thought. We said hello and goodbye all at the same time.

I love you Emma and miss you everyday! XOXO

Catch up

2008-08-27T20:24:00.002-04:00

It's been a week since my last post so I have quite a bit to catch you all up on. So here goes... Friday was my first day back to work. I was really anxious but overall it didn't go too bad. I spent a good part of the morning "catching up" with the girls I work with. They were so sweet and listened to everything that I have been going through. Then we went to lunch for our favorite stuff at Ruby Tuesday. Then I ended up leaving early b/c I had to go get Tommy since we are down to 1 car right now. I was only there for 6 hrs but at times it seemed a lot longer. Then we had to get ready and go to the wedding rehearsal for the wedding Tommy was in. As soon as we get there the groom's nephew who is 6 months is there. He is so cute but it definatly caused a stab in the heart being around him. There wasnt anyone to watch him at the church so I did. I love him but it was really hard to keep it together. Then after we went to the rehearsal dinner. Again it was nice to be around friends. After dinner all the groomsmen were going to the grooms house to spend the night. I really didnt want Tommy to go but I couldnt tell him that, so I kissed him, told him to have fun and be careful and let him go. But as soon as he was gone I lost it! COMPLETELY! It was that hard, full body shaking sob where you cant stop. I came home grabbed one of Logans stuffed animals, went into the nursery and cried till I had no tears left. ITS NOT FAIR! WHY DO I HAVE TO BE IN THE SMALL GROUP THAT LOSE MORE THAN ONCE, WHILE OTHERS TAKE HOME THERE RAINBOW BABIES EVERY DAY. I SHOULD BE... Why??? I dont know if I am strong enough to survive this time. Everyone keeps saying your so strong, your amazing, what if its all a facade and in reality I am weak, lost, terrified and well just plain ANGRY! I want my babies! I can hardly believe that in the matter of 11 months & 4 days I lost not 1 but 2 babies. I dont think even the strongest, bravest person could survive that. So what chance do I have. These are the things I think when I am alone with my thoughts and my grief.

Saturday was the wedding. Tommy looked so handsome and many told me I looked beautiful although I didnt feel that way. I felt on the verge of a breakdown most of the day, but somehow I held it together. I even had a few moments of "fun" and enjoyed myself at times. But it was always there in the back to bring me back to reality. Plus it was really hard to be away from Tommy most of the day. Since he was with the wedding party and all. But we did have a couple nice slow dances where we held each other close. I love him so very much! It was a beautiful wedding and a great party. We fell into bed after 12am, exhausted from the day. Sunday we both slept in. We had a BBQ at the bride & grooms house in the afternoon. Again we were around the baby boy and this time Tommy was holding him. That is even harder than me holding him. All I could think is he should be holding his baby boy, Logan. And that I let both of them down. I know its not my fault but I still cant help feeling guilty and like it was my responsibility. Tommy will be such a wonderful dad and what if b/c of me he never is. Sigh.. I really HATE my life right now. All I want is a healthy baby THAT COMES HOME! I dont think that too much to ask. Grrrrrrr!!!! So after being there a couple hours I was done, but Tommy wanted to stay, so again rather than ask him to come home with me I left him there and went home by myself. And once again the tears flowed, flowed and flowed till there was no more. Thats become my life. THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I WANT!!

Ok so I think that's enough doom and gloom. Here are some pictures from the weekend. Enjoy!

Tommy & I at the rehearsal dinner

Carter & His beautiful mommy Chelsea

Tommy & I at the wedding

My Handsome Hubby

The Bride & Groom

Tommy & Kenny- Best Buds

Chels & I being goofy

A nice one

EDD- August 19th

2008-08-20T11:38:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was Logan's EDD (estimated due date). For anyone that has been pregnant we all know the chances of our baby being born that day are very slim and that it is just an estimation, but that day is the basis of everything. It controls what week we are in, how old our little ones are, and how much time til we meet them face to face, til we hold them in our arms. But once your baby is born "sleeping" that date suddenly holds pain and sorrow. The date that held so much hope suddenly is just another date that will hurt for the rest of your life. See when you become a deadbaby mamma there are only a few things you have to "hold on to" about your babies. I have the few precious pictures that were taken, the stuffed animal that they "held", the outfit they wore, their footprints/hand prints, heart necklaces with their names that I wear around my neck and hold when the tears flow and then there are the dates. The day we found out we were pregnant, the day we found out it was a girl/boy, the day I first felt them move, then the day that I was told that my baby would be born "sleeping" and never come home, their due date, and finally the day we said goodbye and buried them. I should be bringing home my baby boy, worrying about if he is eating enough, or figuring out his cries. But once again that isn't my life.

One of my fellow deadbaby mamma's told us that once again there is a new member to the club. But as we all know its not a happy club or a club any of us want to be part of. But there is a poor mommy and her family out there grieving the loss of their little girl that wont be coming home. Why does this keep happening? With all the advances in science isn't there something that can be done to prevent this pain/heartache? Why does someone that doesn't want a baby have such an easy time, while those that would give anything/everything for a baby have their dreams shattered once or more? So many questions, no answers. Back to living one day at a time. Anything more is too painful.

Keep the Rhoades family in your thoughts and prayers. We all know too well the pain they are suffering.

Two Weeks

2008-08-18T13:28:00.002-04:00

It's 1:30 and I just realized that at this time two weeks ago my nightmare started. I was at my OB's office for my weekly check. I was so hoping he would tell me I was dilated and would go anytime. But we never got that far. He always started by getting the heartbeat. He tried, tried and tried some more. He even said little boy stop playing your scaring your mommy. I held it together, somehow. He said lets go get a sonogram. The hospital is ajoining so we immediately walked over there. They were waiting for us, got me down right away. The screen was at an angle so that I couldn't see what they were looking at. I was crying but kept thinking he is just playing he'll be ok. He has to be. But once again those horrible words that have haunted me and will continue to. I'm sorry there is no heartbeat. What? He was just fine, I was here 4 days ago and he was fine. Why??? I kept saying I cant do this again, how to I tell Tommy or anyone else. They wheeled me upstairs, my wonderful OB never left my side. He even tried to call Tommy and tell him. I started making calls. I knew what had to be done and what was to come. I knew...

I can't believe its been 2 wks, some days it feels like yesterday. I don't want to be here again. I want my baby boy. I went through this once and sure I eventually got stronger but this time I don't see any hope. I can't imagine being happy again. WHY? WHY? WHY? My heart is broken. I need to be cleaning, doing laundry or even eating and I don't want to do any of the above. Instead I want to sleep. It's the only time I don't have to think or remember that once again I don't get to have my baby. Sleep...

Random Thoughts

2008-08-17T20:59:00.005-04:00

These are my random thoughts from this week. Most of them are venting/ranting. But it's my blog and this is the place to put these thoughts down. So here goes...

When I got on the internet this morning one of the stories on my homepage was a women in Egypt who had 7 babies. Seven, are you kidding me! She can carry 7, they all live with no problems but I cant have my 1. Grrrr!! I really don't think I am asking that much that I have one baby. I never thought I wanted to have an only child but now if that is all I can have then that will be ok. I just want a baby. Right now I want Logan, but we all know that wont happen. So the next best I can hope for is that the next 9 months go fast really fast and I can find answers so that I can get pregnant again and HOPEFULLY that time I'll bring my baby home.

On the same note I used to like the show Jon & Kate Plus 8. I loved watching the little kids. Now I don't even want to see the commercials on TLC, b/c its a constant reminder again of them getting 6 babies and I didn't get my one. I hate that the things that used to bring me joy, such as babies, kids and even other pregnant people now make me cringe and turn away, change the channel etc. I remember feeling this way last year too.

List of things I am dreading...

I am dreading packing up the nursery once again. Except this time it was ready. Last time I had one box of clothes and other stuff for Emma. This time I will have boxes, boxes and more of clothes, books, blankets, towels, toys, bottles, lotions and all the other baby stuff. This time I had washed several loads of clothes etc and put them in his dresser, already for him to wear. Sigh...

I am dreading his EDD (estimated due date) on Tuesday. I should either be pregnant still or have a newborn to care for.

I am dreading when we have to bury his remains. I haven't been back since we buried Emma and now the first time I'll go back will be to bury her little brother with her. I guess its good we haven't been able to get a headstone for Emma yet, b/c now we can get one for the both of them. These are not the things I want to be doing or worrying about.

I am dreading the wedding next weekend b/c I told so many that Logan would be at the wedding. I insisted I wouldn't still be pregnant. He should be there with us. Instead I am going to have to explain what happened, why etc. And I am sure at least one person wont know and will ask- Did you have the baby? I just hope I can hold it together all day.

I am dreading going back to work b/c again its going to be so many questions and I know everyone will want to hug me and offer condolences and I will have to hold it together once again. I appreciate everyone being so kind and loving but its still going to be so hard. I know I will be thinking last time I sat in my office I was pregnant. Now I'll have pics of my 2 babies that aren't with me. When did this become my life and why? Haven't I been through enough, apparently not. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger? Sounds like a bunch of crap if you ask me.

I am dreading the next week, month, year... I hate being a deadbaby momma TWICE!!!

Saturday- Finding A Dress

2008-08-17T19:15:00.003-04:00

So about yesterday, Saturday. I had to go find a dress for a wedding next weekend of our good friends. Tommy is in the wedding so I really want to look nice even though I may not feel the greatest. And I am really self conscious about my belly right now. I dont want to look pregnant. Plus the only thing that fits me right now are maternity clothes, so needless to say I need something new. One of my BF went with me to offer help and just in general be supportive. First she wanted to take me to lunch so we went to Eat N' Park. Of course we ended up w/ the only pregnant waitress in the place, the table behind us the lady was prego and then another one about 3 tables down. So of course I am feeling surrounded. But I held it together. And I just kept being very sarcastic, guess that was my way of dealing so that I didnt completely lose it. Then to top it all off right before we're leaving a mom and dad come in w/ twins. Once again a slap in the face, she got 2 healthy perfect babies at once. And I couldnt even have one. Grrr!! Needless to say it was definatly time to get out of there.

So we went to our local mall which doesnt have a ton of options, the first store Maurices I tried on a bunch of dresses plus some other stuff I can wear for work. They were having great sales 60 % off clearance that was already marked down. So I got a bunch of stuff for work, but didnt find a dress yet. So then we went to JcPenney. Turns out they too were having sales on all there fancy dresses. So I tried on like 10 different dresses and found one that works. It is really pretty, hides my belly, actuantes the good stuff and is longer, so it covers my pasty white legs ( I dont tan). So it had everything I was looking for, plus it was originally $90 and I got it for $50. So that was good too. Got some nice jewelry to go with it as well. (I'll post pics of it and us next weekend.) Again I managed to hold it together. Well then I had to pick up pictures I had dropped off, pictures of friends/family holding Logan after he was born. So I finally let myself lose it. Tears, more tears and the usual thoughts... Its unfair!!! I WANT MY BABY!!!!

Friday- Errands

2008-08-17T06:02:00.002-04:00

So its currently 6am and I have been up for over an hour cause I cant sleep. So I thought what the heck I'll come on here and post about the last 2 days. So first Friday...

As usual mornings are so hard. The waking up and bam the reality of what is hits you. So I had my cries and finally left the house about 1pm. Yea, it took that long. So first I had to go to the hospital to have blood work to test for the clotting disorder. They took about 10-12 tubes of blood. And I HATE needles. So the poor nurse as soon as she pricked me, I burst into tears. She asked if she hurt me and before I could stop myself I said, no I just lost my second baby at term. She was so sweet and kept saying how sorry she was. I cried through the whole thing but it was good in one way cause I wasnt even thinking about what she was doing. Last time I had to have several tubes taken I almost passed out. So then I left the hospital and had to go get some stuff at the store. The first store went ok, meaning I held it together. Second one as soon as I get in the door I ran into my good friend and her little girl Lilly. Before I know it she asks me to keep her for a bit while she runs up to a costume shop b/c she was afraid last time she took her. She did ask if it was ok, but ever feel like even if you wanted to you cant say no. Kinda how I felt. But again it went better than I thought, she kept me busy and I couldnt think about everything else. I did run into one of the nurses from my OB office, she was asking how I was doing and so forth. Lilly heard me say about losing a baby and after we were done talking she said you lost another baby. And I said yes remember when Logan was in my tummy, while he's gone just like Emma. Then she pointed to my necklaces and I said I wear 2 hearts one with each of their names. Kids understand so much. I made it out of there and to my car before I broke down. I figured that wasnt too bad for being out in public for the first time. Spent the rest of the evening with Tommy and our "kids" Maggie (black lab) and Charlie (my kitty cat).

Charlie & Me

Tommy & Maggie

Ok so its now after 7am and I can barely keep my eyes open, so I am going to go back to bed. I'll be back later with my post about yesterday.

News, Good & Bad

2008-08-14T21:03:00.003-04:00

My day went a bit better, but not much. I did go get my hair cut, it really needed it. After my hair cut I went to my parents. I then spent the next 3 hours with my mom. It was nice to catch up with her. Short version is we haven't been close for about 5.5 yrs, except for when we lost Emma and now with the passing of Logan. But anyway she showed me the quilt she had been making for Logan. It is so nice. (Once its done I'll post a picture) She is going to add Emma's name to it and then in the future any other children we have will be added as well. It was so touching but it of course made me cry b/c he should be here to lay on that quilt. Sigh...

While I was sitting visiting with my mom, my OB called me with test results. Logan's autopsy came back all normal, he had no problems. He was perfect just as we suspected. That of course was good news but then the bad news. The results from my placenta showed scar tissue. He explained it like a filter and how it would sift out the dirt etc. but when it becomes clogged nothing can get through. That is what happened with my placenta it became clogged and eventually it wouldn't allow Logan to get any oxygen which in turn caused his demise. There are 3 reasons this happens usually. 1. High blood pressure- didn't have 2. Smoking- don't do that 3. Clotting disorder So tomorrow I am going to have blood work to see if I have a clotting disorder. From what I have researched online it is called Antiphospholipid syndrome. There are varying types but the most common is an easy fix, an aspirin a day or blood thinner shots. This is all good news for next time.

But I now have to deal with the fact that something with me caused my little boy to pass. Something isn't quite right with me and I hurt him. I know there is nothing I could have done b/c I didn't know but that doesn't help in anyway what so ever. I feel as though I failed him and I don't know if I'll ever get over that. Once again there are so many what ifs or should haves. Why didn't I do research after Emma and think to have more testing on me? I might have found out about the clotting disorder and Logan would be in my arms rather than an urn. Last time it seemed so simple and like lightening striking Emma getting a knot in her cord. That's what we were told. And we accepted that as the last story. If only...

Once again I have so many unanswered questions. I just hope that after this blood work it comes back with the clotting disorder because if not I don't know where we will go. I guess I'll take it one day at a time. That's certainly becoming my mantra, b/c that is all I can handle.

It's Been a Week & Two Days

2008-08-13T15:35:00.004-04:00

Today is a BAD day! I had to force myself to get out of bed, force myself to eat, because I know its what I should do but all I want to do is sleep. Its the only time I dont hurt. Of course then the cold truth hits me square in the face and I realize once again I have no baby. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be mom. I've never cared if I had a career, I always felt my greatest job would be to be a mommy. And now twice its been in my grasp and then ripped away! I truly felt that this time, even though I was scared everyday, that I would bring my baby boy home. Instead I find myself in the same nightmare I was in last year. And I am weeks away from it being a year since Emma passed. I wanted to do something special for her that day but now I dont know. I dont know how I am going to survive the next year. I know its for the best if I give my body time to heal. Being pregnant for 18 months has been hard on me and I need time to heal. Plus I need answers as to why this happened. Is there something wrong with me that is causing my babies to pass? I just hope we get answers whether they be bad/good. I also hope with everything that I have that next summer we can say we are pregnant again. I want my rainbow baby!!!

Tommy brought home Logan's urn last night. It is sitting downstairs next to Emma's picture. Its hard to believe that is all that is left of our baby boy. Today I have been holding/hugging his kitty cat the nurses gave him and a blue stuffed dog that his grandma bought for him. It records a message. Weeks ago I recorded, "Logan, mommy loves you." I had forgotten about it until today. I was sitting in his room hugging it, crying and there it was. It hurts that he'll never hear that recording, he'll never sleep in the bassinet that is all ready for him, or play with the toys so many got for him. Once again, I'll never know what he would have looked like at 3 or 10 or even as a grown up. WHY???? Why do others get to bring their babies home while I dont? I really dont understand. If your reading this please understand I am so happy for anyone that gets their rainbow baby, I just wish I was one of them. By the time I hopefully get our rainbow baby, it will have been over 2 yrs since Emma and over 1 since Logan.

One day at time...I have to keep reminding myself of that. Maybe tomorrow will be an "ok" day....

Logan & Emma- Mommy loves you both so very much. She will always miss you. You took pieces of my heart with you and it will never be whole again. XOXOXOXOXO

Our Story...

2008-08-13T14:12:00.006-04:00

I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll start in March 2007. It was March 5, and we had just gotten back from a Caribbean cruise. I hadnt got my visit from AF like I was supposed to during the cruise. But I also wasn't expecting to get a BFP (big fat positive) pregnancy test. But there it was 2 pink lines. I ran down and shocked Tommy with the news. We both couldn't believe our eyes. He even had me go to the store and get another test, just to make sure. This time I got the one that said pregnant/not pregnant, so there was no lines to read. Big as life there it was again. WE WERE PREGNANT! My pregnancy was perfect, no morning sickness, every appt we were both great. I knew from day 1 it was a girl. My feeling was confirmed on June 28. Emma LaRue was due November 4th. But that wasnt to be. On Sept 1st, I woke up about 10 am and instantly knew something wasnt right. I immediatly went to the hospital, they hooked me up for monitoring. First thing they try to find is the baby's heartbeat. They tried for almost an hour on and off. The nurses couldnt tell me what I already knew. She was gone, something had gone terribly wrong. My ob was out of town so they called in Dr. M. He immedialy did an ultrasound and then I heard the words that still ring in my head. "I'm sorry there is no heartbeat." I lost it, the Dr. grabbed me in a huge bear hug and cried with me. After a few min. I pulled myself together and asked what now? I would have to be induced and give birth to my baby girl but she wouldnt cry or take a breath. The rest of the day is kinda a blur. I remember bits and peices. Emma LaRue was born at 7:22pm, 2lbs, 3oz, 15 inches and perfect in everyway. She had gotten a true knot in her cord and it had proved fatal. Her daddy and I held her and told her how much she was loved and would forever be missed. The following day we said our goodbyes and we left the hospital with a box of memories rather than our baby girl. Emma was buried with her great grandma who her middle name is after on Sept. 6th.

The next few weeks/months I tried to survive my loss. Someday were ok, others were terrible. Eventually the ok days became more. In Nov. we were told it would be ok to try again. Dec. was our first try and on Dec. 23 I again took a pregnancy test. Once again there was that word. PREGNANT. We were so excited but scared. This time I knew it was a boy. And in April again this was confirmed. We were so excited. In June I reached the point were we lost Emma, 31 weeks and I was a nervous wreck. We had an ultrasound and everything looked great. On July 12th, my bf and SIL threw us a baby shower. It was so nice. We started setting his room up and we were pretty much ready. On July 31st I went in for my first NST, I was 37 wks. Logan wasnt responding the way they wanted, as far as his heart rate excelerating when he was moving. After 3 hrs. my ob decided to start in IV of pitocin and see if he could handle me having contractions. He passed, it wasnt with flying colors but it was good enough. So they made sure the contractions slowed and stopped, then sent me home. Once again I was a nervous wreck. Monday Aug. 4th I went for my regular OB appt, he couldnt find Logan's heartbeat with the doppler, so we went over to the hospital which is ajoining for a sonagram. My ob never left my side. The tech got me down and looked for what seemed like forever. I was trying so hard to hold it together. I thought at any moment they would say there it is, he is ok, he was just playing. No such luck. Again I heard those awful words. There is no heartbeat. I lost it, crying even yelling a bit. They got me a wheelchair and took me upstairs. I knew what was to come, I didnt even have to ask this time. They took me into the same room I had been in for the NST the other day. Why hadnt i just ask him to induce me? He would have been fine. He was term. HE WOULD BE HERE!!! But I didnt. And once again I would give birth to a baby that would never cry or breath. He would be sleeping just like his big sister. Through the tears I called family and friends, I knew I/we would need all the support we could get. I could hear the shock in everyones voice, I know many of them thought I was calling to say I was in labor. But again I had to tell them our baby was gone. Telling Tommy was the hardest, I felt as though I had let him down once again. It was my job to keep them safe and I had failed once again. He left his job and rushed to my side. We both knew what was to come. We knew that we would want as many pictures as possible b/c the few we have of Emma are very special to us. This time there was a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, who would come in and take black and whites for us. We also knew that we wanted pictures of anyone else that held him, family/friends. We shouldnt have know these things but we did. After about 40 min. of pushing Logan Thomas was born at 9:19pm, again perfect in everyway. 5lbs. 8oz. 18 inches. He was beautiful, if only he would take a breath. But again it wasnt to be. We held him, kissed him and I tried to memorize everything about him. The next morning NILMDTS came in and took the pictures.( A few are to the right) Then we kissed him and said our goodbye's. We once again left the hospital with a box rather than a baby. No one should have to lose a child, but to lose 2 is just plain cruel and unfair!

The following day we went back to the same funeral home where we had Emma. They had everything on file. It was pretty simple, same info as Emma, just changed the name. Again it shouldnt have been this way, but it was. There was one big difference this time, Logan would be cremated then buried with Emma at a later time. We also opted for an autopsy. We need answers as to why this happened and hopefully just maybe we can prevent it. On Aug. 8th, we had a visitation and service for Logan. I wore the same outfit that I did for Emma's funeral. Many came to give their condolences. I felt completely drained when it was all over. We came back to the house, they brought all the flowers in and once again so many tried to comfort us. But there are no words this time, only tears.